Homura no Nichijou: The Daily Life of Akuma Homura
by darkbeetlebot
Summary: [Post-Rebellion] What it says on the tin. Dysfunctional devil Homura attempts to have a normal life, but things never quite work out. Episodic and always complete, but also always adding more episodes when I feel like it, so stay tuned! Contains OOC, fourth wall breaks, and blatant shipping. Nothing is sacred.
1. The Strange Hostage Situation

**"The Strange Hostage Situation"**

* * *

 _Homura and Madoka try to go on a pseudo-date, but everything just spirals out of control as per usual._

* * *

"Madoka?" Homura asks into her phone.

"Homura?" Madoka answers back.

Homura chuckles in relief, "Oh, good. Though that it didn't pick up properly again. I really hate this thing, sometimes."

Madoka giggles, "Yeah, me too! So are you still coming?"

"On my way out right now." Homura confirms as she puts her outdoor shoes on and heads out the front of their school building. She then appends, "But first I have to stop at home for a minute."

There's a sudden silence, and then Madoka speaking softly and obviously worriedly, "You're...not bringing that gun again, are you? Please don't."

"Why? It makes a great walking stick." Homura argues.

"You're going to get us both arrested!" Madoka cries out.

"I'll put it in a bag!" Homura once more argues in uptalk.

"It just..." Madoka pauses for a brief moment "...it's uncomfortable, okay? Pleeease?"

Homura relents without much resistance, but also insists, "Fine, I won't bring Boomy. But I will bring something small, at least. Just for self-defense, okay?"

Madoka sighs, "I'll see you soon, Homura."

"Shit." Homura explicates as she hangs up, right after a quietly spoken "You too."

The two had arranged a pseudo-date at a little-known coffee shop that, for once, wasn't the one they usually go to. Homura calls it a "pseudo-date" because only she considers it one and treats it as such. Madoka, on the other hand, is completely oblivious to Homura's excessively subtle cues. It's not like she wouldn't be thrilled to be embraced like that; more of a problem with the devil, herself being completely un-devil-like.

Of course, that short exchange brings us directly to the first and possibly only timeskip in this entire short story. Just a minute later (thanks to some handy spacial manipulation), Homura arrives at her apartment complex (yes, the entire thing) to check on her belongings before leaving. Despite owning the entire building, she only actually inhabits one room, and the rest is a massive fort of sorts for her familiars to roam around it.

It even has a buffet! It only serves metaphorical food, but it's still all-you-can-eat. It doesn't help that most of the menu is comprised of tomato-related items which are almost all types of pasta. One such favorite among the Clara Dolls is Ironic Spaghetti. Nobody, not even Homura, knows why it's ironic.

The two items Homura apparently needs to retreive are as follows: One particularly gaudy long-barrelled desert eagle with etchings and imprints of Madoka covering its entire body, along with the words "Do it for her..." engraved on the side of the barrel. Then, one mysterious yet audaciously decorated black box which is covered in every possible facet with pink, paper lilies.

She stuffs both somewhere behind her back, in which they inexplicably disappear with no trace that they ever even existed. She then checks to make sure that nothing has been tampered with, seeing all but one thing out of place: It appears that the door to her room has been blasted off of its hinges and subsequently repaired. That is, it looks brand fucking new but also looks like a completely different door.

Suspicious of this, she sends Mami, Kyouko, and Sayaka the same text, "Which one of you asshats broke into my room and thought repairing the door would make it okay?"

Of course, no response.

* * *

Though they would be heading downtown, they actually decided to meet up on the riverbank at Homura's request and walk there together. It took a few minutes of searching, but Homura eventually found her standing there as the sun laid high on the horizon. Except, there was someone else there, right behind her.

"Eh?" Homura grunts, bending forward in vain to get a better look. The sunglare and distance is too much. She decides to make haste and start sprinting over to her.

"What the ACTUAL fuck!?" is Homura's only response to the situation at hand. Sayaka is standing right behind Madoka, in full battle regalia, holding a sword to her stomach and headlocking her.

"Now, I know what you're thinking..." Sayaka begins to explain "...why would I, her childhood friend, hold her hostage like this? Good question."

"I never asked." Homura corrects her while pulling out her deagle and aiming is squarely at Sayaka's stupid face. "By the way, your face is stupid." she adds.

"Noted." she replies. "Now put down that gun."

"No."

"Do you want her to die?"

"You wouldn't kill her."

"You think?"

"I know."

Sayaka proves her point by dragging the blade along and ripping a part of Madoka's uniform. "Think I'm joking now?"

"That was just her uniform, you didn't actually do anything. Especially convincing me that you have the balls of steel to do that." Homura bluntly scalds.

Sayaka grunts and changes the subject, "Anyways, Mami, bring it out!"

Mami emerges from the river like a fucking swamp monster, walks up the bank, and reveals her own hostage: A...gun?

Yes, she is indeed holding a _gun_ hostage. With another gun.

"Boomy, NO!" Homura immediately loses her cool and cries out like a damsel.

The gun Mami is holding hostage is no ordinary rifle. It's Boomy, the pink PTRS-41 anti-tank rifle which exclusively fires explosive rounds!

"Y-You..." Homura quietly stutters "...You SAVAGES! How could you possibly hold an innocent gun hostage!? And with my girlfriend, too!"

"What!?" Madoka yells exacerbatedly. "Is this really happening!?" She seems slighly annoyed at being compared to a gun in terms of sentimental value.

Meanwhile, Sayaka argues, "You shot me with that stupid fucking rifle at least 15 times! You never just forget being shot by an explosive bullet, Homura. That's why it's either going to be Madoka..." she draws her sword up again "...or that gun!" Mami correspondingly holds her gun up to...the hostage gun.

"Homura!" an unfamiliar voice calls out. A high-pitched, girly one not unlike Madoka's.

"Who the hell...?" Sayaka and Mami say in unison.

Homura immediately averts her attention to the gun, "Boomy?"

Everyone freezes up, a look of utter bewilderment on their faces. "It can TALK!?" they all yell together.

"Homura!" Boomy says again "Please, rescue me! Remember all of the wraiths and stupid people we blew up together? All of the explosive pranks? All of the late nights talking about new and amazing upgrades to add? We still haven't gotten the laser cannon attachment working!"

Homura's expression goes blank, as if actually considering it.

Madoka yells at her, "Wait, what!? Is this really a difficult decision for you!?"

Homura shakes her head, "No, of course, the answer is obvious!" She puts her deagle away and slowly approaches Madoka. "I'm sorry, Boomy."

Sayaka shoves Madoka into Homura's grasps, where the two hug. She then approaches Mami and signals, "Alright, do it! I don't want to see this thing ever ag-"

Suddenly Homura snaps her fingers while yelling, "Don't get a _head_ of yourself!"

Boomy wiggles around and fires, then Mami's head explodes into a spray of red mist and gore. The sheer awfulness of the pun and the explosion of gore causes Sayaka to vomit and scream at the same time.

"Oh, how nostalgic." Homura quips, then snaps her fingers again, all while keeping Madoka from looking back. Boomy moves and fires on its own again, then Sayaka's entire upper torso explodes. "That's for having bigger tits than me!" Homura yells. She quickly adds, "And for being a bitch, I guess."

She then looks off into the near distance to find Kyouko standing idly by and watching the carnage unfold. Unmoving, but still in awe at how quickly they got completely destroyed.

"Oh, you exist. Right." Homura remembers. She snaps her fingers again, but this time Boomy doesn't fire. "Shit, must have forgot to load it again..."

Suddenly, Madoka pushes her away and yells, "What are you even do-" She turns around at that moment to see everyone but Kyouko exploded and seemingly dead on the ground. She doesn't even have the capacity to scream, just stares at it blankly. "Why am I not surprised?" she asks.

"Shit." Homura explicates again. She snaps her fingers again to try and undo everything which just happened.

The entire riverbank catches on fire. Madoka continues to stare, then back at Homura, then back at the bodies. Kyouko just walks away. Homura snaps her fingers again. And again. And again...

* * *

"And that's how we ended up here." Homura finishes explaining to Kyubey on top of her flower field. Below her and far away, the entire city of Mitakihara is on fire. She's holding an unconscious Madoka in her arms while sitting in a chair.

"Interesting. I assume you will reset everything again?" Kyubey guesses.

"Of course. What else would I do? The entire city is destroyed." she takes to a condescending tone.

"That raises the question:" Kyubey questions further "Why is Mitakihara so plagued by destruction? I recall in your story of the past world that it was repeatedly destroyed by 'Walpurgisnacht'. Now, it is being destroyed repeatedly by your own powers being uncontrollable."

"That _is_ a good question..." Homura admits "...too bad I don't really care." She pulls out her long-barreled desert eagle and splatters Kyubey's brains all over one particularly unfortunate flower.

She quietly blows the smoke off of the barrel and puts it away. "This was a strange day." she comments. "But, I suppose it's better than being bored all of the time. Just all in the everday life of Homura, I suppose..."

She looks down at Madoka and smiles, petting her. "Yes, everday life..." she sighs nostalgically.

She then squeezes Madoka's boob exactly twice, "Honk honk." She giggles to herself, "Alright, enough of this."

With two claps, everything is back to normal. As normal as it can be before being utterly destroyed yet again by a completely separate incident...


	2. Don't do Drugs

" **Don't do Drugs"**

* * *

 _Homura, Kyouko, Nakazawa, and some others take some mystery drugs which lead them on a magical adventure to sate their boredom. The consequences will never be the same._

* * *

"..." Homura doesn't say, staring at the wall of Mami's apartment.

"..." Kyouko also doesn't say, doing much the same.

"..." Nakazawa follows suit.

After several minutes of looking stoned out of their goddamn minds, Kyouko holds up the fancy smoking pipe. "Should we continue?"

Homura groans, "You know what happened last time I got destroyed, right? Wait, nevermind. That was something else."

"What?" Kyouko asks.

Nobody responds. She's stuck holding the pipe up for at least five minutes before Nakazawa braves it and takes it. Slowly. Very, very slowly.

"What time is Mami coming back?" Homura asks, also slowly.

Kyouko shrugs, "Iunno."

Everyone groans softly and slowly.

15 minutes pass. Nothing happens. "This is so fucking boring." Kyouko comments. "Why don't we mix some shit? Get a little crazy, yeah!"

Nakazawa is all for it, "Sounds good, I guess." Well, marginally, anyways.

Homura is still out of it. Staring at the wall. Well, the clock on the wall. Meanwhile, Kyouko mixes some strange substance with the _other_ strange substance they were previously ingesting. She takes the first whiff and immediately feels the effects.

"Whoa." she nearly yells. " **Whoa.** " she repeats, but bolder. " _ **Whoa.**_ " she repeats a third time, but more Italian. She quickly hands it over to Nakazawa while she stands up and starts jittering around like a hyperactive child.

Nakazawa immediately darts up when he takes it in. His eyes widen, then pupils shrink, and finally he jumps up and yells, "Shit, what'd you put in this!?" Ignoring fire safety, he dumps the pipe on the floor and joins Kyouko in stampeding around the place and yelling very loudly about how much energy they have.

Homura mocks them, "Fuckin' idiots..." She snaps her fingers, the pipe flying up into her hand. She hesitates for a second, but decides "fuck it" and takes it in.

She crushes the pipe in hand, tosses it aside, pulls her personal long-barreled desert eagle out, and starts rapidly pelting Mami's clock with bullets until the magazine runs out. And then she _keeps_ firing because fuck physics.

Kyouko and Nakazawa immediately freak out on the first shot and cower behind the table while screaming incoherently at the top of their lungs. Kyouko jumps out from the table eventually and slaps the gun away from Homura.

"You fuckin' nuts!? Mami's gonna kill us! Shit, shit, shit, shit!" She runs over to the annihilated clock and tries her best to piece it together, but all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put clocky together again.

And Homura didn't give a single fuck. "I don't give a single fuck." she says as she picks the deagle back up and shoots the clock again.

Kyouko literally leaps into the air like a goddamn sphinx cat and screams at the top of her lungs - again. "The fuck is _wrong_ with you!?"

"Fuck that clock." Homura answers a completely different question.

Meanwhile, Nakazawa speaks up, "Holy shit...that was hot!"

The other two stare at him, sheer disgust and malice in their eyes.

Regardless of that, he doesn't back down. "Idea, idea!" He struggles to get up with as much haste as is being put into it. When he is eventually on his feet, he suggests in the most tragically enthusiastic manner possible, "Fuckin'...let's do it! Fuck! Yes! Fuck!"

Homura and Kyouko stare at him, then at each other. Then again. And again. Finally, they look back at him and explode into hysterics so manic that it would put The Joker himself to shame. Not just laughing of the manic variety, but actual howling like gaudily-dressed wolves. Or wolverines, if you prefer.

In the midst of the laughter, Kyouko starts to choke on herself. "Ack! Goddammit, I put too much of that shit in!" she resumes her hysterics just in time for Homura to pull the deagle out again and suddenly start shooting around Nakazawa's feet. She screams yet again and lands directly in the broken glass. She proceeds to roll around in pain, getting more broken glass stuck in her entire body and doing nothing to help it. In fact, it's just being driven in further.

While Nakazawa freaks out from being shot at by a .50, Homura just laughs her ass off, "Hey, hey! Maybe if you dance for me some more I'll let you touch my fucking hair!" She laughs even harder and almost screeches. As told, Nakazawa is forced to dance to keep his toes intact. Not that he would need them, anyways.

But she just gets bored in a few more seconds. She tosses the gun away and immediately stops laughing. "Bored." she says as she literally waltzes to the door.

Ignoring the broken glass currently making her stain Mami's carpet in blood, Kyouko gets up and chases after her, "Wait, Homs, where're ya going!?"

She is quickly and nearly shot by a completely different pistol which is quickly discarded by Homura who then commands her, "Never say that again."

"What? Homs?" Kyouko guesses, narrowly dodging another bullet. Literally.

"Next time I'll shoot your tits off." Homura threatens. She then retracts the statement, "Well, if you _had_ any to shoot off."

She gets punched in the back of the head for that.

* * *

They decide to meet outside next, having taken another whiff of the weird shit that Kyouko mixed in with the weed. For a god, you would think that Homura would be a lot more resistant to the effects of drugs, or even completely immune to them.

No. Not in the slightest.

Homura is rampaging around the parking lot of the apartment complex, waving about an MG4 into the air and firing blanks like a suicidally deranged midget who's trying way too hard to compensate for their size.

Meanwhile, Kyouko was given a QBB-95 and is doing much the same. Nakazawa was lucky to be given anything, and acquired a SIG Sauer P238. The girls then mocked him for his gun size, implying he had a small dick.

"Why do I hang out with you two, again?" he replied.

Eventually, Homura finds it fit to go chasing him around with her MG4 for no reason in particular. Through all the screaming and the running and the antics and being high on something or another, everyone fails to notice that he's running straight into the middle of the road.

That, my dear reader, is where he gets brutally ran over by an oncoming ambulance.

"Fuck!" Kyouko yells upon seeing him do several spinning somersaults into the air.

"Shit." Homura explicates while watching him land feet first on the ground, only for his legs to bend backwards and break with a loud snap. The kind you hear if you manage to break a jolly rancher in half.

The ambulance stops, but the expected people do not come out. Instead, every single one of the Clara Dolls comes tumbling out of the ambulance as if there were actually enough room for them. Then, the back slides open. A corpse on a stretcher rolls along the ground and bumps into the crippled Nakazawa.

Out of the back comes: Several dozen familiars of assorted varieties, a pack of terrified orphans, Jerry Seinfeld, Elaine Benes, Cosmo Kramer, George Costanza, and (last but not least) the entire Brady Bunch. And a Magikarp.

" **GOTT IST TOT!** "

"Oh, there you are! Finally!" Homura yells at the Clara Dolls in exasperation. However, as she approaches them, she immediately starts backpedaling to take a look at the colorful cast they assembled.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" she holds the fucking phone. "What is this?"

" **GOTT IST TOT!** "

"Seriously!? The fucking Brady Bunch!?" she starts to visibly panic and pace around. Eventually she lands on the death square and uses The Force on each one of them.

" _Horrid fucking incestuous abominations!_ " she screams at them while her body separates amongst the stars into a plane the size of several parsecs in each dimension, stretching across all of time in an instant and enveloping the very concept of absolute madness. Her 69 quadrillion hands - each representing a separate avenue of destruction - fuse into a single metaphysical mass of absolute and indomitable hatred for all mankind. The concepts of nothingness and existence become mere specks of dust on the background of the true nature of all creation, and the grand knowledge of all life is laid bare before their tattered remains of souls.

They are bound to it as the universe reveals its unthinkable shape: The endless glory of the all-timeless and extra-real Yog-Sothoth.

Then, within less than a tenth of a second, the Brady Bunch's heads all imploded with enough force to make their bodies themselves disintegrate into ash.

Meanwhile, nobody else knows what the fuck just happened.

" **GOTT IST TOT!** " The Clara Dolls continue to chant.

Then they explode.

"Come on, guys! We're gonna _rob a BANK!_ " Homura then enthusiastically suggests as if she hadn't just mind-raped an entire family beyond oblivion.

Finally, Jerry chimes in, "Where the _hell_ am I? Where are _we!?_ "

Homura stops in her tracks. She slowly, gracefully, and in one smooth motion, turns around. " _Welcome to hell._ " she says in her most demonic voice possible. The entire cast can practically see the visage of the devil himself within the smile she gives them.

George is the first to bail, "Oh screw this, I'm out! I'm not ready to get my head exploded by...what was it? That weird name she said?"

Jerry answers, "Yog-Sothoth?"

"Yeah, that's the one!" George says.

"How do you not know that?" Elaine asks him, annoyed.

George attempts to respond wittily but just ends up shrugging with his mouth open.

"She's got a point." Kramer stutters "Everyone knows at least a little Lovecraft."

"Not everyone knows a little Lovecraft!" George argues.

" _Everyone_ knows a little Lovecraft." Jerry argues back.

" _I_ don't know a little Lovecraft!" George continues to insist.

"Oh come on, how could you have never read at least one of those little stories? They're not even long!" Jerry continues to badger him.

Homura interrupts, "Oh, enough of this shit!" She pulls out a 12-gauge and blows George's head off.

Everyone panics. Kyouko fucking screams again, which earns her a gut punch before she can be too shrill. The rest of the cast start doing their typical "oh my god"s and "what the hell"s, and then ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKER speaks up.

"This isn't what I signed up for." an extremely heroic and robotic voice says.

"Oh for the love of- WHO, NOW?" Homura yells, reloading her shotgun in preparation to dispatch an annoyance.

The ambulance transforms into a giant robot.

"Oh!" Homura sarcastically yells "And what's your name!?"

He indignantly begins, "I am-" only to be cut short.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!" Homura screams as she shoots it in the leg with her shotgun. It barely does anything, predictably.

"This can't be happening." The entire cast of Seinfeld says in unison.

"It's happening." Kyouko tells them as she approaches, throwing a suspicious drug in their faces.

About 5 minutes later, they've all crammed themselves into the ambulance which has transformed back into an actual fucking ambulance.

"I can't help but think we're forgetting something." Homura says as she attempts to figure out how to work the controls on this thing.

First it goes back. And then forward. And then back again. And then forward. And then Homura crashes into a lamp post, and then she drives backwards and hits two consecutive bumps followed by hearing an intense scream from outside.

"The fuck?" she says in bewilderment.

"Wait, where's Nakazawa?" Kyouko suddenly wonders.

Both linger in silence before swinging the doors open and finding Nakazawa still sprawled out on the ground in unadulterated agony, every bone in his body broken while he slowly and internally bleeds out in the middle of the road after being ran over. Twice.

"Shit." Homura explicates for the many-eth time.

They proceed to tie him to the roof of the ambulance using several long ropes.

"Alright, time to _make a transaction!_ " Homura yells as she revs up the engine.

Kyouko puts a hand on the wheel and stutters to her, "N-Never. Speak. Such a horrible joke. Ever. Again. Now let the robot drive."

"FUCK YOU!" Homura screams as she punches Kyouko in the face and does the driving anyways.

* * *

"Homura, where are you and what are you doing!?" Madoka yells in concern over the phone.

"We're robbing a goddamn bank! It's gonna be Christmas two-point-oh, Madoka! Get the tree ready, 'cause jolly old Homura's gonna buy you an entire continent!" Homura admits without any shame whatsoever. She does this while driving, weaving in and out of traffic, and generally almost killing everyone five times per second. Kyouko is currently screaming her tiny lungs out and holding onto everything for dear life.

"I swear to god, Homura, get out of that car _right now!_ No hugs or kisses for a month if you do this!" Madoka threatens, attempting to sound strict in a motherly way.

"You won't be saying that when you're riding a _solid gold pony_ to school! Oh, and I _am_ god!" Homura yells back all-too-enthusiastically before hanging up abruptly and nearly crashing into the corner of a building.

"The fuck is wrong with you, you goddamn _lunatic_!?" Kyouko screams at her. Meanwhile, Elaine has vomited from sheer motion sickness in the back.

In a short 47.52 seconds, they finally arrive at the bank. The big one. It's so big that it doesn't even have a name, it's just called "THE BANK" in all capital letters. Solid gold letters.

"Alright, everyone, this is IT! Guns up!" Homura commands everyone.

"We don't have any guns!" Jerry yells from the back.

"Shit!" Homura explicates yet again. She kicks the door open and rips the back ones open as well, then chucks in several random guns. Jerry gets an M1919 Browning that he can barely even carry, Elaine gets an RPG-7 with no additional ammunition, and Kramer gets an M203 grenade launcher. A terrified Kyouko gets an SKS, while Homura arms herself a pink PTRS-41 anti-tank rifle.

"Alright, NOW let's go!" Homura commands everyone.

In seconds, they blast their way inside. By the sound of Homura's terrifyingly explosive rifle, the people inside start sprinting towards the exits in sheer terror. The people who are unlucky enough to get trapped inside hide behind any furniture they can find, which is pretty much just a bunch of oddly shaped chairs.

They pretty much come in shooting. Well, except for Elaine and Kramer who are stuck with shitty explosive weapons in an assault weapon job. They just stick in the back and complain to each other about how bad their guns are.

Now, any good bank robber would know that you are actually NOT supposed to start immediately killing everyone inside until the police start ignoring your demands. A good bank robber would not bring two people wielding only explosive weapons inside. A good bank robber would wear body armor and hand out grenades. Any bank robber with half a brain would at least wear a fucking mask.

But Homura and her crew immediately start wasting everyone in sight. Well, it was mostly just her doing the slaughtering, and it was surely glorious. Each shot of her rifle was explosive, and so caused a spray of red mist wherever fired. Chairs exploded. Lots of chairs. People also exploded. Not as much as the chairs, though.

A good bank robber would also not kill the people who can get them into the vault itself. But what do you think they did? Exactly that. The first thing Elaine decided to do in her drug-addled mind is squarely aim the RPG at the clerks and fire its single shot indiscriminately. Every single one was killed. If not from the rocket, then from the falling debris.

Pretty much everyone except them were non-existent in about 15 seconds.

"You see, that's what I call an ENTRANCE! Only one problem..." Homura puts her hands on her hips and proudly stands before the carnage. She turns around and continues, "Where the fuck's the MONEY? Well, I'll show you."

Suddenly, the entire north wall of The Bank gets destroyed in the snap of a finger. The result? A straight shot to the vault door.

"That was easy." Kyouko comments.

"A little too easy." Jerry adds.

Just on cue, from behind them, the special forces police show up! And then Homura takes several steps towards them. She does her most elegant pivot possible and hair-flips while the air around her sparkles glamorously!

They all drop dead immediately.

"What." all of the others say in unison.

Homura turns back to them in a similar manner, "Looks can _kill_."

The entire cast of Seinfeld drops dead.

"Shit." Homura explicates for the last time this chapter.

"Good job." Kyouko sarcastically remarks.

They proceed to make their way into the vault while fending off security. By shooting them repeatedly in their faces.

"So do you have a plan to actually get this thing open or-" she's cut short by the sound of a very loud engine.

"There it is." Homura fondly points out. She gestures Kyouko to get the hell out of the way.

Both duck for cover as the ambulance comes barreling straight through the doors of The Bank and crashing directly into the vault's door. It violently explodes, implodes, explodes again, and somehow warps the fabric of reality in such a way that it leaves a perfectly circular hole in the middle of the vault door.

Kyouko stares in awe at what just happened before her, "What the- How did you DO that!?"

Homura approaches slowly with her arms spread out as if to say, "come at me, bro." In reality, she says, "Magic, _bitch!_ " And then a hole is blown through her chest.

She turns around to face the officer that shot her, then shoots him with her explosive rifle. She proceeds to walk over to the door while ignoring the gaping hole in her chest.

"Okay." Kyouko says simply. At this point she has seen so much ridiculous bullshit that not even this surprises her in the least. She just accepts it as easily as she accepts the pull of gravity.

"Now we wait. Get on." Homura commands as she hops onto the hole the ambulance created. Within just a minute, the entire vault starts getting lifted out from the building.

"Wait, what?" Kyouko says. "WHAT?" she repeats as the entire vault is ripped from the building proper. "What was the POINT!?" she starts to yell as they both climb atop the now flying vault.

"I didn't actually know if this would work!" Homura admits over the sound of extremely loud, spinning turbines from the massive zeppelin above them.

Kyouko would have called her out, screamed, or done at least _something_ to voice her sheer dumbfoundedness, but she just can't. No possible words she can think of result in the proper way to describe exactly how she feels about this particular combination of circumstances. Everything just falls flat, like a comedian trying to make the perfect joke but he just spews nonsense until people laugh, instead.

Kind of like that, anyways. She ends up just letting her mouth hang open, much to Homura's delight. Luckily for them, the drugs seem to have dulled out by now.

But they have another problem. About a minute into the flight, the cords supporting the vault snap. Homura's only words are, "Get down!"

Before that shitty music can start playing, however, the vault smashes directly into a building and then into the ground. The zeppelin also proceeds to crash due to the sheer magnitude of its failure and its lack of self-esteem.

From the rubble, Homura emerges mostly unscathed. She finds Kyouko on the ground right beside the vault. Goes to shake her a bit, and...

"Well, she's dead." she quickly summarizes. "Now, what's in here?"

Upon leaping into the vault and investigating, she finds...

"Empty...?" Indeed, the vault was just a decoy. The real one was actually beneath that one. She had been bamboozled yet again.

"Shit." she explicates. What, you thought I was done milking that? Hell no.

* * *

"And that is why you should never do drugs." Homura concludes to Madoka as she listens intently, both sitting atop the usual flowery hill.

"That doesn't answer the question at hand." Kyubey interjects. "Why is the city on fire as a result of this?"

"Good question." Homura admits. "Remember the pipe?"

Madoka and Kyubey look at each other, then both at Homura; eyes wide open, mouths agape.

"Well, fun's over." Homura says as she stands. "I swear to myself, I'm never letting Kyouko talk me into these sorts of things ever again."

Kyubey argues, "It is statistically unlikely that you will follow-"

Homura beams the concept of emotion into Kyubey's brain, causing his head to instantly collapse upon itself.

"Let's take it from the top!" Homura announces, clapping her hands together twice.


	3. Pasta Hell

**"Pasta Hell"**

* * *

 _Homura tries another pseudo-date with Madoka. This time, they go to the buffet in her apartment complex ran by the Clara Dolls._

* * *

"So you're almost ready?" Homura says into her phone.

"Yeah, almost! I'll be there in-" Madoka replies, but is cut off at the end.

"No, no. I'll come and escort you." Homura insists, sounding slightly panicked.

"What?" Madoka giggles "Homura, I can go by myself!"

"No." Homura bluntly refuses.

"Why not?"

Homura looks around the buffet of her apartment complex suspiciously, "I uh, don't want you to get sidetracked. Or kidnapped."

"Kidnapped!?" Madoka gasps.

"Don't worry about it." Homura assures her "I'm actually almost there. Just sit tightly and I'll make sure you get here safely. I hope we don't get interrupted again, personally."

" **GOTT IST TOT!** " The Clara Dolls around Homura suddenly yell.

Homura jumps up and starts waving her free arm around angrily, then glares at them and does the "zip it" gesture. Madoka asks, "What was that? Is someone with you?"

Homura dismisses it, "What? No. Just some kids playing in the street! Anyways, I'll see you in a minute, so bye now."

"Oh, okay." Madoka accepts naively.

Homura hangs up and quickly puts the phone away. She sighs, then rubs her temples while turning away from the dolls.

" **GOTT IST-** " they try to yell again.

Homura interrupts, "Okay!" She claps her hands, "So you all get to prove you aren't worthless for once! Fun."

" **GOTT IST TOT!** "

Homura gives a fake smile, "Right. You all know what to do. Just run the place normally. When Madoka comes in, serve us your best. _Best_ , got it?"

" **GOTT IST TOT!** "

"Good, and no yelling. And no food fights. No chaos in general. Just keep the lights dim and the place quiet, and don't screw anything up. Is that too much to ask?"

" **GOTT IST TOT!** "

"Good." Homura somehow accepts. She turns around and waltzes right out the door, vanishing into thin air as her spacial manipulation teleports her away.

Meanwhile, the Clara Dolls giggle to themselves and get to work opening the buffet. Almost as soon as they do, the place gets flooded with more of the devil's familiars. The lights slowly dim to obviously romantic levels, pleasing absolutely nobody. Nothing else happens.

* * *

15 minutes later, Homura arrives back at the complex with Madoka in tow. Both are dressed in utterly pedestrian outfits which leave far too much to the imagination. Given it's the middle of winter, it's probably justifiable. Probably.

"So what kind of place did you want to-" Madoka begins to ask, only to see the name of it plastered on the front door of the buffet.

 _In witch runes._

Homura reads them aloud, in not-german, "Pasta Palace."

Both of them are completely silent as they take in the stupidity of the name.

" _Pasta Palace!?"_ Homura thinks to herself _"What the hell were they thinking with that idiotic name change!? Nobody likes the word 'pasta' to be in the name of a restaraunt! It's like a little kid wrote it! Are they trying to make a fool out of me!?"_

Madoka interrupts her thoughts, "Uh, Homura?"

She snaps out of it, "Madoka?"

"You alright? You looked scary for a second." Madoka looks genuinely worried.

Homura is caught off guard by her sincerity, "Oh! No, it's fine. They just...changed the name." She shrugs and fakes an embarrassed smile to look cute.

Madoka shrugs and smiles back, "Let's go in! I didn't eat breakfast, you know!"

Homura nods. They head in and are immediately struck by the pungent smell of tomatoes. Homura's eyes squint aggravatedly. She sighs heavily while two familiars take their jackets. She then leads Madoka to the center of the entire place, to a table that had been built specifically for her and, as such, is half the size of all the others. It also has an upside-down candelabra on the ceiling that somehow emits also upside-down flames. Which, themselves, emit upside-down light.

"Wow, this is...neat." Madoka comments while staring at the impossible candelabra. She pokes one of the candles, finding it to be rigid as all hell.

"Yes..." Homura says while pondering something else "...very neat." She appears suspicious of the entire evening ahead.

"So where's the menu?" Madoka asks.

"I told them to give us their best." Homura informs her.

"Oh. That's..." Madoka seems slightly disappointed, but also intrigued.

"Strange, I know." Homura finishes for her. "Speaking of which, they should be coming around any second, now." She snaps her fingers and holds her hand out to the side.

A second later, a Clara Doll comes by on roller-skates and places one covered dish in front of Madoka, then one in Homura's hand. She snaps her fingers again and the doll is gone.

"W-Was that a little kid!?" Madoka nearly yells. She looks twice and around her to be sure.

"Hardly." Homura scoffs. "Anyways, let's eat. And see what they-"

She lifts the cover, only to find what she had most feared: Ironic Spaghetti. She immediately slams it back on and takes a deep breath.

"Madoka, I-"

"Ooh, spaghetti!" Madoka cheerfully...cheers? And claps, that too. Very tiny claps.

Homura is forced to relent to the power of spaghetti, "Right. I can't say I knew you liked it."

"I _love it_!" Madoka corrects her. "But..." she exempts "...it feels a little strange, this time."

"Is it because of the dim lights?" Homura asks.

"No, something I can't quite understand..." she wonders. Not for too long, though. "Oh well, time to eat!"

Homura sighs, but also smiles. She lifts the cover back up, only to find yet another irregularity: The portion size is actually twice as large as Madoka's. Which is to say, larger than the plate.

"Wha...!?" Homura stutters and nearly yells.

Madoka looks up at her and comments, "Oh, wow, that's a lot."

Homura wants to, but can't bring herself to glare. Instead, her face scrunches up into something in-between despair and furious betrayal. Her mind starts running a-mile-a-minute, _"Are they trying to say I'm fat!? I'm not, and I won't be if I eat this much, but I can't! They're making fun of me! Trying to make a fool out of me again, trying to make Madoka say mean things on accident so that I get mad at her and ruin the date by myself! What the hell is wrong with these kids!?"_

Eventually, she swallows her anger and snaps her fingers again. In seconds, a doll is right beside her. "Excuse me, but I can't eat this much." she informs it.

" **GOTT IST TOT!** "

"No, I can't. Don't insist. Isn't the customer always supposed to be right?" Homura starts looking visibly agitated instead of internally agitated.

" **GOTT IST TOT!** "

She shoves the re-covered plate into its hands, "Get something smaller. Got that?"

" **GOTT IST TOT!** "

It carries away the dish. Madoka looks concerned, "Homura, couldn't you have just saved the rest? That's a bit mean..."

"It's fine." Homura insists. "Besides, I don't want to make a mess. Which will inevitably happen if there's that much."

Madoka hums. Several seconds later, the doll comes back with another plate.

" _Thank you._ " Homura threateningly says through her teeth as she takes it. As soon as it leaves, she opens it back up.

She immediately slams it back down with such force that it makes Madoka jump. "Homura!? What is it? Was there a bug in it?" She tries to look over.

Homura signals her down, "No, no..." She peeks back under it, her suspicions confirmed.

It's a whole tomato. One. Single. Whole. _Solanum lycopersicum_.

She immediately bats the entire platter off of the table with a single hand, sending it flying into one of her familiars' faces. It doesn't even react. The Clara Dolls are immediately within her presence.

" **GOTT IST TOT!** "

Homura grabs one of them by the collar and quietly tells in a particularly scalding tone, " _Real food_ , this time. No pranks."

They get back to work after picking up the platter again. They leave the tomato, though.

Madoka interjects, "Homura, isn't this a little...excessive? You're never going to get to eat if you keep sending it back."

Homura jumps back, "It's not my fault that they keep pranking me! They gave me a _whole tomato!_ "

Madoka signals her to sit down, "Homura, you're making a scene!"

Except that nobody is looking. Regardless, Homura immediately sits down and mostly shuts up. "Oh...sorry." she says, looking guilty and putting her head down.

Madoka sighs, "Homura..." She reaches over and pets her on the head.

It would have been nice, except for the fact that Icarus' wings lingered a bit too close to the sun. Her sleeves catch on fire from the candelabra, causing both her and Homura to immediately panic and start screaming. In a bout of quick thinking, Homura just grabs her sleeve and smothers the flame with her bare hand. Takes a moment of sizzling and the smell of burning skin, but it goes out.

Both of them sigh in relief, but Madoka looks worried again, "Homura, didn't that hurt? You just...grabbed fire!"

Homura says nothing. She thinks, _"Don't scream, don't scream, don't scream, don't scream..."_ Internally, she is. Externally, she just shakes her head and looks as neutral as ever.

Before this can advance, another platter comes. "Oh, finally." Homura says despite it not being too long. She takes it and opens it normally, without a hint of suspicion. To her surprise, it looks like relatively normal fettuccine alfredo. Normal portion size and everything.

"Oh, good, it's normal." she says to herself. Madoka smiles at her, glad that she can finally enjoy the meal with her.

She takes a single bite, only for her entire face to freeze in utter shock and horror. Her hands start to shake, breath staggering and eyebrows furrowing to impossible angles while her eyes widen. She slowly puts the fork down and exclaims, "This... _THIS IS JUST WHITE-DYED TOMATO SAUCE!_ "

" **GOTT IST TOT!** " the dolls appear.

Homura stands up and yells at them, "Why the hell did you serve fettuccine alfredo if you didn't have any alfredo!? That's just fettuccine!"

" **GOTT IST TOT!** "

"You dyed it white! In no way was this not another prank! It's too obvious!"

" **GOTT IST TOT!** "

Homura nearly pulls her hair out in frustration from the persistent dolls. She lets her arms go slack and just sits back down. "Just..." she rests her elbow on the table, and head on her hand "...bring back the fucking... _ironic spaghetti_." She shudders at the name.

The dolls disappear. Madoka just sits there and stares at Homura, looking extremely sorry for her. She's stopped eating by now just to watch the ongoing spectacle.

After a minute of awkward silence, they bring another platter. Without another word, she knocks the top off to reveal...

One spaghetto. A lone, single, under-cooked, bare piece of spaghetti that was bent into the shape of a heart.

Homura stares at it unammusedly. Madoka stares at it in utter confusion. The rest of the familiars stare at it blankly, given that they have no faces.

Everyone stares at the lone spaghetto. Nothing exists in this moment except for the lone spaghetto. Everything is spaghetti. Welcome to hell.

The rest of the ironic spaghetti falls out of Homura's fake pockets. Suddenly, the entire room lights up a dim violet as Homura snaps her fingers once.

The entire complex explodes. In 562 different angles, 120 of which only exist in the fourth dimension, then in slow motion, then in reverse, then in slow-motion _and_ reverse, then in fast motion, then all at once in the span of a nanosecond. All of this in IMAX 3D, 4K 60fps, Dolby surround sound, technicolor, and wide-screen. Flaming chunks of the building fly everywhere, smashing into other buildings and lighting them on fire instantaneously. Several of them shoot a thousand meters into the sky and conveniently hit planes which then crash into the city. All of those also explode in the aforementioned manner, but this time it's also extra fiery.

Meanwhile, one guy in an office building is arguing over conspiracies.

"I'm telling you, jet fuel can't melt steel beams!" he says completely unironically.

"Right." his friend says.

These are their last words before a particularly vengeful plane crashes directly into them and recreates the Japanese version of 9/11 if you didn't already get the joke.

* * *

"And that's why the city's on fire again." Homura says as she stares down at burning Mitakihara again.

Kyubey stares onwards as well, "Again? How is it that you continue to repeat the same scenario every other day despite the astronomically low chances that it happen even once, in the first place?"

"Magic." Homura simply answers.

"I don't get it." Kyubey says.

"Do you get bullets in the face?" Homura asks.

"I would-" Kyubey tries to speak, but his head explodes before he can say anything of substance.

"The answer is 'yes'," Homura answers her own question "yes you do get bullets in the face. From me."

"It's less funny if you explain the joke." another Kyubey informs her.

Its head also explodes while she argues back, "That's the joke."

"I just don't get it." a third Kyubey says.

Homura groans and claps her hands twice, resetting everything once again.


	4. The Great Pocky Run

**"The Great Pocky Run"**

* * *

 _Kyouko and Homura go on a vengeful road trip to find Mitakihara's lost pocky. Kyouko gets scarred for life._

* * *

It's just another day in the very slightly fucked up version of Mitakihara that some jaded teenager cooked up. Another day for Kyouko, the one day of the week, in fact, when she would always buy another box of Pocky. A week's stock, so to speak.

But this time is different. This time, there is no Pocky. Not a single one. She goes to her usual stop: just some convenience store around the corner. None to be found. Every shelf that should have them, empty. Curious, but perhaps someone around the neihbourhood was having a Pocky Party™. She heads to the supermarket next.

Nothing, again. Every single one, gone from where it should be. Whole shelves of them missing, and not a single one of the employees knew what the hell happened to all of the Pocky.

"Okay," she says to herself "maybe they just got really popular for some reason and the store ran out. Maybe they forgot to restock them." She keeps running through her head for excuses, but nothing is particularly satisfying enough to call true.

After meticulously scouring every single market, store, and singular vendor in Mitakihara, she comes to the horrifying realization: **Some asshole had stolen her Pocky.**

It is also at this point where she decides to call up literally everyone in her contacts list to see if any of them have a few spare boxes. Not a single one had any. Well, besides Madoka who only had the one, and one was not enough. Kyouko needed _all_ of the Pocky. She craved it, needed it; she _starved_ for the Pocky. The flow of time slowed as she realized she had only one contact left. The last resort. The final nail in the coffin to her normal — what should have been good — day. She feels something get stuck in her throat as she auto-dials and holds it up to her ear.

"Yeah?" a familiar voice asks.

"H-Homura..." Kyouko says.

"Yeah? Spit it out, I'm eating." she bluntly orders.

"It's gone." is all she says.

"What?"

"The Pocky. It's all...it's all gone! Every box!" Kyouko says, panicking externally.

Homura groans, "And...? I don't have any. I don't really care about your stupid biscuit sticks, either."

"Please!" Kyouko begs "You have to help me!"

Homura groans even louder, "Come on! What's even in it for me?"

Kyouko gulps, trying to think of something. "Well, surely whoever took them must have a lot more! You can have half of everything we get!"

Homura isn't impressed, "That all?"

"And I'll stop Sayaka from ruining your dates!" Kyouko offers, completely out of her ass. She knows she can't perform such a feat, but the Pocky is what's most important right now.

"Hmm..." Homura ponders the idea while shoving a shitty, microwaved chicken nugget into her gaping maw.

The suspense nearly kills Kyouko. It would have literally killed her if she had followed through with her _other_ last resort.

"Deal." Homura says. "I'll get you your damn sticks. Just keep Sayaka in check."

"YES!" Kyouko nearly leaps, also nearly dropping her phone off the building she's standing atop in the process. After a quick and deft catch, she announces to her new companion, "I'll be there in just a minute! Get _the device_ ready!"

"Wait, what!?" Homura yells back at her. "But my nuggers!" she says as she holds up a plate of at least 52 chicken nuggers all stacked into a neat pile like a great pyramid.

"Not important!" Kyouko argues just before hanging up and making a run for it.

"Hey, the— Hello? Kyouko!" Homura yells in vain. "Well, guess I've gotta do this, now. Goodbye, peaceful day..." she says, departing her ultra-comfy bed to get ready for the trip.

* * *

About 10 minutes later, Kyouko arrives at her apartment complex and knocks on her room's door. The door immediately opens, slamming directly into her face and causing blood to erupt from her nose like a tomato fountain.

"FUCK, fuck, fuck you!" Kyouko screams while holding her clearly broken nose in indescribably horrible agony.

"Whoops." Homura merely "apologizes". She comes out from the door holding her plate of nuggers, a pink PTRS-41 strapped to her back, wearing a bandolier of ammo and a desert eagle on her side. "Anyways, ready." she says as if it's no big deal, brandishing some keys in the other hand.

"The fuck!? We're going on a drive, not shooting someplace up!" Kyouko yells at her, flailing her arms about while she struggles to get up.

"May be both." Homura says as she kicks the door closed and starts to walk out on her own. "Come on, now, don't lag behind."

"Fuck, you broke my nose, you bitch!" Kyouko continues to complain even as she follows along obediently.

"Beggars can't be choosers." Homura executes her argument as swiftly as a bullet to the dick.

Unable to retort, Kyouko just follows along. Eventually, they make their way out to _The Device_ , Homura's questionably acquired 1972 Cutlass Sedan painted jet black with gold stripes. Literal, actual gold.

"There it is." Homura presents it with the hand she holds the keys in. "Now help me get this shit in."

The two pack the Boomy the pink PTRS-41 into the back, then Homura places her plate of nuggers on the central panel. Finally, they start it up and get ready to go.

"Uh, remind me where you learned to drive." Kyouko says, nervously buckling up for the first time in her life.

"I didn't." Homura admits before smashing the gas pedal and blasting through the garage at 60mph, then barrelling down the road.

"FUUUUUUUCK!" yells Kyouko when they nearly ramp off of a speed bump. Meanwhile, Homura nonchalantly shoves several nuggers in her mouth. "Are you seriously trying to eat right now!?" Kyouko continues to be outraged by her current predicament.

"Beggars can't be choosers." Homura repeats herself while she runs over some poor bloke.

Kyouko does a double-take, "You just KILLED that guy!"

"Yup."

"KILLED him! What the hell do you think you're even doing!? Pull over and let me—"

"Nope." Homura continues to eat.

Within a minute of Kyouko incessantly screaming and Homura nearly crashing every half second, they end up at one of the department stores Kyouko first went to. To Kyouko's surprise, she actually manages to make a smooth stop, here.

"What?" Kyouko asks.

"What?" Homura asks back.

"Why are we here? I already checked every store!"

"Leads." Homura briefly explains.

"...Please tell me you're not going to—"

Five minutes later, they find themselves holding the manager's head against his desk while Homura shoves her deagle into it and yells, "WHERE ARE THEY!?"

"I don't know!" he cries, afraid for his life.

"TELL ME WHERE THE FUCKING POCKY IS!" she demands.

Kyouko starts to quietly apologize over and over, hoping this doesn't get her arrested. The man continues to deny it, "I said I don't know, just look at the ledger!"

Homura pulls the slide back for intimidation and takes a more calm tone, "Why the fuck are you making this so difficult? Why are you even resisting? There's no reason to. All we want is the fucking Pocky, but you won't say anything. Why? Is it a corporate secret? Did you give it all to some illegal black market? Is your life on the line or some stupid shit?"

"I—" he tries to speak, but gets pistol-whipped.

"I don't care." Homura bluntly says. "Now tell me where it is before I BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!" she reverts to screaming again.

He starts to sob uncontrollably, "I really don't know!"

"Three!" Homura counts down; he continues to sob. "Two!" she yells while turning the safety off; he repeats himself. "One!" she says, trigger finger itching.

"Wait!" he begs. "I'll tell you, for the love god, I'll tell you!"

"That's goddess, to you." Homura corrects him, completely inappropriately. Kyouko is literally shaking in the meantime.

He ignores this and finally lets up, "It was a guy, a really rich one! He remotely ordered the entire stock, never told me why!"

"Name, asshole! I need a name!" Homura threatens as she takes a step back.

Asshole flinches and answers, "He just went by Mr. Kobayashi! That's all I know, I swear!"

Seemingly satisfied, Homura puts her gun down and huffs. Kyouko timidly comes up to her and asks, "So, what do we do now?"

Taking a moment to consider the info, Homura says, "...Kill him. Get the ledger."

Asshole freaks out, "What!? No, no! I did what you wanted!"

Kyouko also freaks out, "You've got to be kidding me; this can't be happening!"

Homura can't help but break out into hysterics over it, "O-Oh my goddess! You actually thought we needed to kill him! You thought I was serious!" She laughs _way_ too hard at it, "Just get the damn ledger!" She then approaches the guy and waves her hand over him, making him pass out with amnesia.

Kyouko quickly grabs the ledger and gets out of the building as quickly as humanly possible. When they get out to the car, she acts outraged, "Okay, what the FUCK was that!? Why do you have to go and threaten to kill people every time we do this kind of shit?"

"I don't know, why?" Homura asks back as if it were a lead-in.

"What?" Kyouko stares at her blankly.

"Well that wasn't funny at all." Homura snarks as she shoves another fistful of nuggers in her mouth. She then talks while chewing, "So what does that thing say?"

Kyouko darts through the specifically relevant entry, "Uh, that he spent hundreds on Pocky? Wish I could do that."

"Useless." Homura comments, snatching the ledger from her and reading it herself. After a minute and a few nuggers, she finally comes to a conclusion, "Ledgers are useless for the task at hand, but I know where to start."

"What!? Why did we even grab it!?" Kyouko yells.

"I dunno." Homura bluntly answers. "Anyways, let's go."

"Wait, wait, at least let me—" Kyouko tries to stop her, but there are no brakes on the homutrain.

"No time." Homura says as she steps the pedal to the metal. At the same time, she pops in a CD for Five Finger Death Punch and plays it at maximum volume.

On the way to their next destination, she explains the plan, "So there aren't a lot of rich people here. Obviously. But, there are a handful that could just buy out an entire stock of Pocky like it's nothing. Must have been thousands. Also must have been really eccentric. Now, I know a lot of notable people in this city, but I only have one question left. I'll go in alone on this one. You just sit tight and use this." She hands Kyouko a walky-talky.

"For...?" she asks.

"Radio me if the police show up."

"Got i— wait, what!? Police!?" Kyouko continues to regret her life decisions.

"Yes, police." Homura confirms, eating more nuggers. "Fuck, should have brought my drink. Hold on..."

She then sidetracks and pulls up to a convenience store, "This is _conveniently_ the place I also need to go." She then gets out and is just about to stride inside, but then she turns on her heel and asks, "Oh, you want anything?"

Kyouko looks dumbfounded, "What? No!"

"Right." Homura says, unconvinced. "Remember, police!"

Kyouko rolls her eyes. Several minutes of waiting and watching the roads later, she surprisingly doesn't see anyone coming. Homura comes out eventually, holding a can — yes, a _can_ of milk and her long-barreled desert eagle.

"Mission set." she says as she gets back in and puts the can in a cup-holder.

"What did you do this time?" Kyouko asks, surprisingly calmly.

"Nothing much, let's just go." Homura says suspiciously quickly.

"Wait, is that _canned_ milk?" Kyouko suddenly takes interest.

"Yes." Homura says as she starts up _The Device_ and hears sirens wailing in distance. "And this is why I said to look out. _Despair, take the wheel!_ "

She sets a coordinates on some sort of GPS system, then a woman's voice comes on and says, "Yes, Miss Akemi. Activating Auto-Pilot."

"This thing can TALK!?" Kyouko blurts out.

"Yes, now take this and start shooting!" Homura yells, handing her a solid-gold Uzi. She then puts on a pair of sunglasses and takes Boomy out of the back while the car's AI floors it to some unknown destination.

"What!?" Kyouko yells back. "This is fucking crazy!"

"Shoot, woman!" Homura commands as she fires Boomy at an approaching cruiser, blowing a hole in its front which then causes the entire front to explode, which then causes the entire car to explode, which causes a three-cruiser pileup that the rest have to navigate around. And then the other three explode.

Kyouko looks onwards at the chaos, "...How the hell am I supposed to compete with that!?" She starts randomly firing the Uzi, only to discover that it's semi-automatic. She gives it a puzzled look.

 _The Device_ does a sharp turn, suddenly! The chicken nuggers fly out of the window, the plate hitting Kyouko in the shin and nearly making her fly out of the window, herself. Then, several of the cruisers fly directly into the adjacent buildings and explode, killing doubtlessly many people. Regardless, more take their place as they drift Tokyo Drift-style around the turn and pursue relentlessly.

"Fuck, the nuggers!" Homura yells when she notices them sprawled across the road and being run over.

"Screw the goddamn nuggets, that plate of yours hit me in the shin!" Kyouko says, taking out one of the cruisers' tires.

"Beggars can't be choosers!" Homura repeats her mantra as she blows up another cruiser which causes a chain-reaction explosion among several others.

"You've said that three times!" Kyouko argues, unloading the rest of the magazine into one car's windshield. She backs into the car.

"Still true!" Homura argues back, also retreating after one more shot. She hands another mag to Kyouko and reloads Boomy as well.

Kyouko slides the mag in and prepares to peek back out, "And where the hell did you get those sunglasses from? And this Uzi!"

"You'll see." Homura ominously states. Both of them peek out the windows and unload another mag into the chasing cruisers, only for _even more_ to take their place! There are so many that they essentially fill the streets, and there's even two helicopters hovering overhead and trying to spotlight them!

"Shit." Homura explicates while reloading.

"Fuck." Kyouko similarly says.

Homura then peeks out and fires two rounds into one of the helicopters, causing its rotors to spin out of control and fly off, crashing into the road below while the entire thing spirals into a nearby building and explodes violently. They can both see several people fall out of the explosion, followed by everyone that was in the building as it collapses.

Kyouko just stares at her as if she just committed mass murder. Well, she sort of did. "You're a goddamn lunatic, you know that?"

"Yes, I am. Yes, I do." she answers before unloading the rest of the mag into the other helicopter. It does the same exact thing, but this time the building collapses sideways and turns a significant portion of Downtown into a catastrophic domino setup. Which also explodes.

Kyouko can barely even speak, she's so breathless. Literally dry heaves for several seconds straight before she can muster anything to say, "...What even are you?"

Homura reloads and hands her another mag. Suddenly, she can feel something lifting them off of the ground. Before Kyouko knows what's happening, the entire car transforms into a goddamn jet plane!

"Initiating flight protocols, Miss Akemi." the AI says. Just before they get too far off the ground, Homura throws a large object out of the window.

" _I'm the motherfucking devil, **bitch.**_ " She finally answers. Just then, the entire road below and behind them explodes into a spectacular plasma inferno napalm blast which envelopes the entire city block they fly out of.

Kyouko looks back. Her jaw drops as she watches the cherry-red explosion expulse into an immeasurably gargantuan column of blazing embers and smoke. Everything around them becomes explosions and fire, the whole city rumbles in terror with what their beligerence hath wrought, and Kyouko regrets all of her life decisions leading up to and at this point.

As the plane-car levels out and they flee the explosion, her mouth is still hanging open wider than she thought it possibly could. And that's saying something considering she once ate two Big Macs at the same time.

"You're drooling." Homura says, pointing at her chin. "What, did the explosion make you hungry? I got some Pop Rocks if you want something that'll just..." she pauses for effect "... _pop_ in your mouth. Like thousands of little, tiny—"

"I get it, jeez!" Kyouko stops her.

"...Little, tiny explosions going off on your tongue." Homura continues anyways.

The two sit in silence for a moment. She opens a pack and downs the whole thing. "Whoa." she says. "WHOA." she says a few seconds later. "Okay, I'm ready."

"Wait, ready for what?" Kyouko turns her head with nothing but undiluted fear in her eyes.

"FOR THIS!" Homura yells, signaling for them to take cover.

Kyouko looks ahead, only to notice that they're _nosediving directly into a mansion_.

"YOU ABSOLUTELY INSANE, STUPID BITCH!" Kyouko screams as she covers her face and looks away.

They crash into the ceiling of some sod's mansion with enough force to level the entire building, but it _doesn't._ They actually manage to land directly into the owner's study, with the entire car getting lodged between the ceiling and wall.

"You have arrived at your destination, Miss Akemi." the AI unironically informs them.

By some stroke of luck or genius, the doors open at just the right height that they can simply jump out and into the gaudily decorated room without hurting themselves too much. The airbags give them some trouble, but they're both able to hop out before anyone can catch up to them.

"Ow." Kyouko simply says.

"Yeah, sorry about that. Actually, I'm not sorry, that was fantastic and you know it." Homura quips.

"I think it sprained my back." Kyouko complains.

"Shut up and—" Homura tries to speak, but the ceiling part holding the car's back collapses. The back falls right next to Kyouko, who pisses herself at that very moment. Homura just claps, "Oh, good."

"I think I just peed a little..." Kyouko says meekly.

Homura proceeds to open the trunk up and reveal and entire cache of highly illegal guns. "Take your pick." she says.

Kyouko hands the Uzi back and picks up the bayonetted MK 14 EBR with drum magazine. She says nothing.

Homura oohs and compliments her choice, "Ooh, good choice. 7.62x51; nasty little fucker. You know that's just a modern version of the M14? It was such a living legend that they had to remake it! Try not to scratch it."

Just then, the owner of the study and the mansion walks in and asks in his most outraged tone, "Just what the hell is going on in here!?" He's dressed in a bath robe.

Kyouko yelps, turns around, and immediately fires four shots in his general direction. One of them actually hits him in the shin. "Oh shit..." Kyouko gasps, unsure of what possessed her to do that.

"Wow..." Homura fakes shock "...nice job." she then compliments. She approaches the man and plants Boomy's barrel directly against his forehead, "Okay, bitchface! Here's the deal: We know you bought all of the Pocky in Mitakihara. Now tell us where it is before I decide to lace you head with enough explosives to blow up a police cruiser!"

Just then, her phone starts to ring. "Eh?" she says, picking it up and quickly answering while holding the overly long gun at his head.

"Oh, hey, Madoka! Uh, bad time." she says.

"Homura, I saw you on the news!" Madoka angrily yells.

"Yeah?" she asks rhetorically "And how was that?"

"You blew up everything! You killed hundreds of people!"

"Well, I don't know about _hundreds..._ "

"Homura!"

"Don't worry, Madoka, I'm completely fine!"

"That's not the problem! I told you to stop doing these sorts of things!"

"What? A little carnage is good for everybody! Reminds them of how much they have to lose and all of that...jazz."

She senses that the ensuing silence is a bad omen and tries to reason with her, "Look, you're getting something out of this too, you know. Besides, it wasn't my idea."

"What!?" Kyouko yells from the distance "This was entirely your idea!"

"Oh, please!" Homura yells at her. She then gets shot at least three times in the back.

"Oh dear." She says.

"Wait, what was that?" Madoka asks, suddenly concerned.

"Oh, I just got shot like three times in the back." Homura nonchalantly informs her.

"What!? Homura, are you...are you...!?" Madoka starts yelling and borderline freaking out.

"Oh wow, I'm bleeding a _lot._ Guess a battle rifle will do that to you, huh?" Homura continues to blow off the injury. She can hear Madoka hyperventilating on the other end and tries to console her, "Don't worry, I'm fine. Oh, I'm here with the 6th richest guy in Mitakihara, by the way! Want to say 'hi' before I blow his head off?"

"WHAT!?" Madoka screams, forcing Homura to pull the phone away for a second. "Homura, get your ass over here RIGHT NOW!"

"I'll be over when this job is done. Don't worry, I'll be home for dinner!" Homura dismisses her anger. "Love you!" she says as she hangs up, Madoka still yelling on the other end.

"Now where was—" The phone rings again. She puts it on silent and resumes. "Right, we were threatening you with copious amounts of explosive death!"

She pulls out her long-barreled desert eagle and offers, "So how would you prefer your death? 14.5x114 millimeter or .50 Action Express? Your head's going to explode either way, but I hear that the rifle is the better option. I also don't want to get my pistol dirty. Gonna stand a bit of a ways away, you know? Gonna maybe miss a few times, hit your ear instead and get a bad angle. Very slow."

Boomy speaks up in its high-pitched gun-voice. "Just blow off his legs and let him bleed to death!" it psychopathically suggests without the slightest hint of humanity.

"What do you want from me!?" Bitchface pleads to her.

Homura suddenly gets serious, "I told you, Bitchface, I want the fucking Pocky you bought the entire city out of. Now where is it?"

Kyouko comes up from behind, "Uh, I'm having second thoughts about this."

Homura slowly turns to her and gives an extremely bewildered shrug, "...Now? Of all times, you pick NOW to have a change of heart? No, we're doing this."

Bitchface speaks, "You're an absolute lunatic!"

Kyouko waves her arms about, "Oh my god, someone besides me finally said it!"

"Shut up, both of you." Homura commands. They zip it.

"Actually," she corrects herself "Bitchface, tell me where the Pocky is. _Then_ shut up."

"I—" he tries to speak.

Homura interrupts, "And if you tell me anything other than that, I'll kill you and then find it, myself."

He shakes his head, looks outraged, but still concedes, "...Fine! Staking my life on chocolate desserts is just... They're in the kitchen! Look, I'm sorry to whoever found it inconvenient enough to send assassins after me, but my kids wouldn't quit about the damn Pocky!"

"Kids?" Homura asks, suddenly curious.

"Here they come, now!" Bitchface claims. Surely enough, they hear footsteps coming towards them. But there's something odd about these children...

" **GOTT IST TOT!** " the Clara Dolls say in unison.

Homura's sunglasses crack. She instinctively blows Bitchface's bitch face off of his face, causing Kyouko to flinch, recoil, and scream at the same time. "That's for my nuggers, bitch." Homura claims.

After that, she opens fire on the Clara Dolls who literally dodge bullets and run away. Homura takes her sunglasses off to reveal that the bags under her eyes grew three times larger that day. "Fucking dolls." she laments. "Come on, let's get your fucking Pocky..."

They enter the kitchen while slaughtering every person they come across. What meets them is quite literally every single box of Pocky in Mitakihara compiled into a single, giant vault. Which is then ripped from the building and hauled away by a massive zeppelin.

"How...!? When...!?" Kyouko wonders, unable to grasp her current state of reality in concrete terms.

"Well that was fun." Homura says. "Now that we have our chocolate gold, it's time to clean up."

"Clean up?" Kyouko quietly, unenthusiastically asks.

"Yep. Gonna erase everyone's memories so nobody thinks this happened. Fix a few other things, too. It'll be like nothing ever happened." Homura explains.

"What?" Kyouko flatly asks.

Homura claps her hands, "Bye."

"Wai—!"

The mansion explodes. This is now a Touhou manga.


	5. Madoka Gear Rising

" **Madoka Gear Rising"**

* * *

 _The Holy Quintet + a certain unlucky young man go out for Karaoke at Madoka and Sayaka's requests. Nobody could know where it was headed._

* * *

The afternoon sky in Mitakihara had always been something of a relaxed by melancholy time for Homura. Certainly the weirdest, but also a welcome sight due to its beauty. Though it couldn't hold a candle to the nights that burnt into her memory or the days which she longed to cherish, it still held better than the sunrise that signaled impending doom from the time loops. Also, getting out of bed when the sun is glaring in your face is pretty unpleasant. Mitakihara is also much more beautiful at sunset.

"So why are we cooped up in this dark room? I can't even tell if it's dark out." Homura complains. She lied about the last part, but they won't know that. Yet.

"Aah, fart a fucking rainbow, you stick in the mud!" Sayaka complains back as she gives Homura a good smack in the back.

"...Really?" Homura can only manage to respond with a look of sheer confusion and disgust at the wording of her "joke".

Fortunately, Madoka alleviates this as she sits down beside Homura, "Come on, it'll be fun! We can sing together, you know? And next time, we can do what _eeever_ you want!" She pats her on the shoulder.

That alone is enough. Homura jolts up at her touch and relaxes instantly with a grin on her face, as if she just shot up some heroin.

Meanwhile, Mami collapses ass-first into the couch and throws her arms around the back-rest. She groans loudly, "Aaah! Those chairs are so cramped!"

Unknowingly, she had thrown her arm right behind Sayaka, who responded by stiffening and somehow simultaneously blushing and going pale at the same time. "Ah, yeah! I bet!" she nervously says. Inside, she's clearly overthinking whatever predicament she believes herself to be in.

Right on queue, Kyouko barges into the room with Nakazawa in tow. She announces her presence, "Yo yo yo yo! Wassup, bitches? I got the little kid, like you asked!"

Nakazawa stays silent out of sheer terror. Sayaka takes the opportunity and stands up, welcoming them nervously, "A-Ah! Kyouko! Yeah, just let him... Here, he can have my spot!"

Kyouko shrugs and sends him over there. Unlike Sayaka, he seems to enjoy the thought of Mami's arm simply being behind his head. Or at least, he doesn't mind. The devil sitting next to him gives off a residual effect of fear, however.

Sayaka quickly walks up to Kyouko and whispers into her ear while they go back to the couch, "I think Mami's trying to make a pass at me! What do I do!?"

Kyouko tries to keep her annoyed voice down, " _Eeeh?_ Wha'd'ya mean, 'What do I do?' I've been trying to tap that for years!"

"But..." Sayaka stutters.

"What!?" Kyouko becomes more annoyed.

"But how do I tell her I'm **not gay?** " Sayaka bluntly asks.

Right then and there, it seems as if something inside Kyouko had broken — completely and utterly. She simply stares. A thousand-mile stare, not at Sayaka or anything in particular. Her entire body stops moving, save for the slight trembling which is hardly visible. The pocky she had been chewing falls out of her mouth and onto the floor. The chocolate marshmallow kebab she was holding for afterwards also falls, sticking to the floor and becoming tainted with dirt.

Sayaka notices that her friend has suddenly gone cold. She waves her hand in front of her face and says, "Uh... Hey, you alright?"

"I'm..." Kyouko murmurs "I'm fine. All of my hopes and dreams are shattered, but I'm fine." Her voice is unusually hushed. Deep in her thoughts, she prays, "I beg you, God... My love life sucks. Let me have somebody, just this once!"

Sayaka suddenly looks surprised, "H-Hey! Are you...crying!?" Her sudden outburst attracts everyone's eyes.

Kyouko's voice cracks, " _No._ " She is.

"Was it something I said?" Sayaka guesses frantically.

"Let's just sit down." Kyouko nearly whispers, eyes still flat and colorless. She sits on the other side of Mami. Sayaka sits in the last seat beside Kyouko.

Though busy giving Homura a generous shoulder rub, Madoka obliviously and excitedly asks everyone, "Are we ready? Let's do it!"

"Yeah!" Mami shouts "Who's first?"

Kyouko slowly stands up. "Me." she quietly says, taking out her MP3 player and setting on the stereo stand in the center of the room. She picks up the microphone and jadedly stands there while some sort piano music starts up.

" _Hello Darkness, my old friend._ " she timidly sings.

Everyone collectively thinks at that very moment, _"Oh no."_

* * *

At least two hours pass, with each person taking turns and, at some point, competing for imaginary points. Sayaka is the one who recommended that.

Kyouko's first song was far too depressing to warrant anything but a pity hug. She cried a lot, afterwards.

Sayaka, not being one for songs with actual lyrics, chose a thrillingly loud opera piece that she somehow knew the _latin lyrics_ to. For this, she scored three points from Madoka, Mami, and Homura.

Mami followed up by singing her own theme song. Nobody could really tell if the lyrics were right, and Madoka (being easily impressed) immediately applauded regardless. Mami got three points as well, with Kyouko commenting "That was...beautiful!" and sobbing in despair.

Nakazawa surprised everyone by putting on a Vocaloid song and literally getting every note so on-part that it actually sounded like one of the few male Vocaloids singing it. Even managed to get a slight robotic effect. Four points to Gryffindor. Sayaka murmured to herself at the end, "Tck, pop trash..."

Homura had carefully deduced the best time to act, which would allow her to one-up everyone with her performance while not overshadowing Madoka. Upon her inevitable turn, she decided to surprise everyone by putting on the fastest Japanese rap song she could find and showing off how unfathomably quickly she could sing it without flaw. Unbeknownst to them, she actually fucked up at least 12 times. Despite this, everyone except for Sayaka applauded. She stubbornly refused to give up her point to a devil, so Homura only got four points.

As the last person of the first round, Madoka stands up afterwards and nervously flips through the player to find something to sing. It takes her a minute, but she finally settles on _Mata Ashita_. By the end of the very soft performance, Homura is literally in tears. She stands up and gives a standing ovation while the others are merely slightly impressed. All in all, she gets all five points.

On the next round, Sayaka's competitive side rises from the mist and announces to everyone, "Alright, now it's time for DUET MODE! Everyone pair up, stat!"

Homura immediately stands up and raises Madoka's hand, "Madoka and I are a team." she says in deadpan.

"Shit!" Sayaka snaps her fingers, then looks over at Kyouko. She's still in a miserable state, although it seems she's exited denial and entered anger. She's merely staring up at Sayaka as if she had just insulted her father. Five sticks of pocky in-mouth, looking like she's about to snap them all in half and devour them like a starving velociraptor. Sayaka averts her gaze and looks to Mami for help.

Only, she finds that her spot was already taken. "I'm with this kid!" she announces, cheerily headlocking Nakazawa, who tries and fails to pry his head from her titanic grip. Sayaka goes pale. Again.

She looks back at Kyouko, who is now standing and still glaring at her a mighty glare. Eyebrows curled upwards, eyes dilated to the size of peas, teeth grit with pocky being the only thing keeping her from grinding them together. She doesn't blink. Doesn't even _fucking blink_. Her and Sayaka are forced to be partners. Sayaka instantly regrets every decision since the beginning of this episode.

Of course, now the word count is approaching 1500, so we should speed this along. That's right, you just read 1346 words, not counting the ones after that number, which you are reading right now. 1361.

For the duet phase, Sayaka and Kyouko start off. Kyouko forcibly picks out the song: _Ain't No Rest for the Wicked_ by _Cage the Elephant_. Sayaka, not knowing the words to most american songs, endlessly blabbered along while being completely outdone by the continuously glaring Kyouko who made everyone uncomfortable. At the end of the song, she gets up in Sayaka's face and growls the last line. Sayaka gulps once and nearly faints on the spot. Madoka and Mami clap out of courtesy, and both of course give them a point; two each.

Next, Mami and Nakazawa spend a minute whispering to each other before getting on with their song. To rival Kyouko and Sayaka, they also pick a rock song, but this time a more eastern one: _Ride on Shooting Star_. Thankfully, they both know the lyrics quite well, though Mami was the more intelligible of the two. By far the most normal performance so far. Even Homura claps for them. Four points each, since Sayaka was too salty to give in.

Finally, after having given Madoka a quick listen to the song she had picked, Homura confidently takes the stage with her. Without hesitation (well, for her at least), they sing _Yume Oto_. Though she was nervous about this new song at first, Madoka eventually got into it. Really, _really_ into it; continuously rubbing up against Homura in ways that made her devolve into a giddy schoolgirl. By the end of it, everyone is completely, disgustedly jealous of the two. Especially Kyouko, who at some point had snapped all of her pocky in half out of frustration. They technically clap, but only Nakazawa and Mami give points.

By the end of the second round, Kyouko is in last place, followed by Sayaka, followed by Homura, followed by Mami and Madoka tied, followed by Nakazawa surprisingly at the top.

Aware of her losing streak, Sayaka has enough of this tomfoolery and stands up with a fire in her eyes. She yells at everyone, "A-Alright! So the newbie's in the lead! No big deal, because next is... Next is..." She puts a finger to her chin and begins to think of ways to come out the winner of this predicament.

Suddenly, Kyouko taps her on the shoulder. Her angry glare has subsided, and now she actually talks, "Hey, blue bitch. I know I was mentally killing you a few minutes ago, but I think I know how we can win..."

Though hesitant, Sayaka bites, "Well...if you say so. What is it?"

Kyouko bends her over and whispers, "A karaoke battle. Not just a battle, but a showdown! A lightning round! Winner takes all! Every point is worth **ten times!** We just have to beat everyone!"

Unlikely to think it over any more than that, Sayaka nods in agreement, "Heeey, I _like_ that! Let's show these assholes who's boss!" Kyouko nods, then they do their secret handshake.

"If you win us this, I'll forgive you." Kyouko adds.

"For what?" Sayaka obliviously asks.

"Shut up, Sayaka."

The two then face outwards, and Sayaka announces the plan, "Alright, this next one is the final round! Karaoke **BATTLE!** Each point is worth **TEN POINTS!** " She holds her fist up high as if she just trumped everyone.

Homura narrows her eyes suspiciously on the two and thinks to herself, _"As expected, she's (still) an idiot!"_

Even Madoka quickly figures out that their plan won't work. But, before anyone can call them out on their idiocy, they suddenly transform into their magical girl forms!

Homura jumps to attention while everyone is confused, yelling at them, "Hey, hey! What the hell!? You both regained your memories again!? _**How do you keep doing that!?**_ "

"Ufufu..." Sayaka haughtily chuckles "...We've had them for a while! I was only playing along with your little game! But now, it ends here. Tonight — to the sound of Beethoven — I, Sayaka Miki, will put an end to your reign! **I will win this karaoke battle!** "

Homura yells again, " **I'm not even in first place, you dumbass!** "

"It doesn't matter, now! Feel the wrath of—!" She gets tapped on the shoulder.

As she turns around, Kyouko whispers to her, "Beethoven!? And you say you're not a faggot!"

"Hey!" Sayaka snaps back "Faggot is offensive to—!"

Kyouko cuts her off, "I don't care. We're gonna do this to some damn _rock and roll!_ "

Sayaka scoffs, "Tch, and you're the daughter of a priest?"

In the time she used to say that sentence, Kyouko already picked out the track: _Magia._ Then, as soon as they turn to meet their proclaimed rival, her and Madoka are both gone.

" _Oh shit._ " they both say in unison.

Mami then stands up and stretches, "Oh dear, this is going to be a scene, isn't it?" She twirls around for a bit and transforms, leaving Nakazawa a stunned and stiff statue of a human being as he witnesses literal fucking magic. He stammers to try to ask what the hell is happening, but nothing comes out. Mami picks him up by the shoulders and places him in the far corner of the room, "Now stay here, things might get dangerous."

"...What!?" he yells in confusion.

Suddenly, a giant mechanical fist rips the room in half. Outside, they witness the appearance of what looks to be a giant, gundam-style mecha with three giant speakers to replace its head and arms. They all three leap out of the building and confront the mecha on the streets. It bends down to get a better look at them, and then the owner speaks. None other than Homura!

"Sorry, but I can't allow any of you to win this competition! Nor can I allow you to continue operating with your memories intact! Prepare to be annihilated by the power of metal!"

Just then, Madoka pops up on the speaker, "Homura! What are you doing!? You're going to kill people! We talked about this!"

"I'm sorry, Madoka, but this is the only way!"

"No it isn't! Remember? The coping mechanisms!? It's not the only way; we can all try to knit together!"

"...Correction: This is the only way I enjoy!"

" _No_ , Homuraaaa!"

Mami orders the other two, "Quickly, while she's distracted, sing your hearts out!"

They give her an odd stare. Sayaka points out, "Uh, singing won't help against a giant robot, Mami. This isn't an anime."

"You're right," Mami admits, but then corrects them "this is a _fanfiction of an anime!_ Which means that this _has_ to work for the plot to progress!"

Sayaka argues again, "What if the author is a sadist? Or likes bad endings?"

Mami falls silent for a moment. "...I did not think about that."

"We're fucked!" Sayaka screams at the revelation, while the giant speakers on the mecha charge their sonic cannons.

"Just fuck it up!" Kyouko tries to advise.

"Aaaah, why me!?" Sayaka complains.

Homura erupts on the radio again, "This is it, miscreants! Feel the raw metallic power of the _Ultra-Mega-Supersonic-Giant-Metal-Homubot-of-Evil! 9000! Version 2.0 Beta! OF_ _ **DOOOOOM**_ _!_ "

But nothing happens. Everyone waits patiently. Sayaka speaks up, "Hey, is something supposed to be happening!?"

Homura speaks up again, "Uh, hold on. Something's wrong with... Ah, here we go! It was in the microphone jack! Madoka, I told you it was the green one! Come on, now."

Seconds later, the giant speakers suddenly start blasting the entire _Dragonforce_ discography. The sonic cannons fire giant beams of solid sound, somehow. They crash into the party of three so hard that they each fly into separate buildings! Afterwards, the lyrics come in, except that the tracks are instrumental! It's Homura singing them!

"Shit, she's drowning out our rock with this shitty gaijin metal! Kyouko, I need an analysis, what's her power level at!?"

Kyouko rises from the dust and yells at her, "Are you kidding me!? It's in the fucking name!"

"Just do it!" Sayaka yells back.

Kyouko groans, "Ugh, fine. It's..." She pauses for dramatic effect "...It's _exactly_ 9000!"

"Well what's ours!?" Sayaka asks.

"That's not..." Kyouko facepalms "...That's not how it goes, but..." and then again. "Anyways, we're at 4000! We don't stand a chance, her wailing screams are just too powerful!"

Suddenly, the _Ultra-Mega-Supersonic-Giant-Metal-Homubot-of-Evil 9000, Version 2.0 Beta of Doom_ 's giant Fist of Doom smashes right into Kyouko! She holds it back with her spear and deflects it just in time to not get smashed into pieces.

"Shit!" she yells, getting drowned out by the sustained force of Homura's power metal scream.

But then, Mami comes in from behind and pelts the robot with 60 of her muskets! She twirls around while swinging from her ribbons, unleashing volley after volley, _and_ screaming the lyrics to _Magia_ as loud as she can despite the futility.

"M-Mami!" Kyouko looks shocked, yet also highly inspired by her futile but endearing attempts. She sheds a single, womanly tear and readies her spear again. "Yes, this is our time to finally shi—!" And then she gets slapped in the entire body by the other fist. She flies into a building, which explodes upon impact into a massive fireball. **OF DOOOOM**!

" _ **HOMURAAAAA!**_ " Madoka can be heard furiously yelling over the speakers, followed by Homura's own panicked screams. Both are so loud that they shatter every window in a five-block radius.

"Now's your chance!" Mami yells at Sayaka who has just recovered and appeared. With the music coming to an abrupt stop, they can finally hear _Magia_ again! They both start singing in unison while they initiate their duo attack!

"Tiro!" Mami yells, creating a massive, multi-barreled shotgun rifle out of her ribbons!

"Fortissimo!" Sayaka yells, spawning hundreds of swords that spin around her body as she somersaults over the cannon. Each sword packs into the barrels as tightly as they can manage!

"WAIT!" Yells Kyouko as she comes back from being thoroughly beaten to a pulp. "Wait, let me, too!"

The other two sigh. Sayaka tells her to just hurry up as she lands on the cannon. "Got it!" Kyouko yells "Uh...L-Lat—!" She hesitates, then says something stupid, " _FANTASMA!_ "

Mami facepalms, "You don't even have that attack anymore!"

"I DON'T CARE!" Kyouko yells, using Latticework Barrier to weave the swords and bullets together. "FIRE!"

Mami rolls her eyes and groans, then pulls the trigger. Each barrely of the cannon fires at once, unleashing a massive torrent of bullets, pincushioned with swords, all at the _Ultra-Mega-Supersonic-Giant-Metal-Homubot-of-Evil 9000, Version 2.0 Beta of Doom!_ Many of them shatter on impact and explode into dozens of swords, but many miss! This is where Kyouko comes into play, as she yanks on her barrier and pulls the bullets back, sending them curving right back around! The barrier wraps itself around the _Ultra-Mega-Supersonic-Giant-Metal-Homubot-of-Evil 9000, Version 2.0 Beta of Doom_ while each of the missed bullets explodes on it and sends more swords flying! The ones that go in opposite directions are also pulled in by the barrier, slicing the _Ultra-Mega-Supersonic-Giant-Metal-Homubot-of-Evil 9000, Version 2.0 Beta of Doom_ like a salad chef's knife to lettuce!

"Ugh!" Homura grunts from inside the cockpit. "You think this is enough!? A mere power level of 4000 cannot possibly stand up to my creation!" The _Ultra-Mega-Supersonic-Giant-Metal-Homubot-of-Evil 9000, Version 2.0 Beta of Doom_ 's mechanical nipple opens its hatch, revealing not a giant cannon...but a pink PTRS-41!

" _ **FUCK, it's Boomy!**_ " All three of them panic in sync. Before they can even react, Boomy fires exactly one bullet. Their entire cannon is blown up in an instant! With Kyouko sent flying into the concrete, the barrier lets up. The only one to land on her feet is Mami, who is subsequently punted through several buildings which also explode and conveniently crumble into dust!

Sayaka slowly but surely gets back up to her feet after the fall, seemingly unharmed. She complains to Homura, "Is this even about a stupid Karaoke competition anymore!? We've just killed like 500 people!"

Homura retorts, "Collateral damage, comateral schmamage!"

Sayaka just looks disappointed, "That sounded stupid."

"You _are_ stupid."

"This line of insults doesn't even make sense!"

" _YOU_ don't make sense!"

"That's my line!"

Homura then blasts Sayaka with another sonic cannon, fueled by more power metal screams! "Fuck." Sayaka grunts "I think you just ruptured my stomach! _Oh,_ oh GODS it hurts! Fuck, is this what it feels like to drink bleach!? Why would anyone do this!?"

Kyouko rises up again, only to correct Sayaka, "Bleach is a base, not an acid."

Sayaka vomits blood, but shrugs it off a second later. "Still hurts. Hey, what's up with you?"

Indeed, something is wrong. Kyouko just faceplants depressedly, back in the dirt. "This is hopeless. We can't beat her with our measly power level of 4000. Just give up and let her win the damn competition."

"That doesn't sound like you." Sayaka says, vomiting more blood.

"Shut up, Sayaka."

"That's more like it." She vomits blood once more.

Mami comes back just a second later, cut up and bruised to the point where her breasts are nearly sticking out. She groans, "Ugh, that hurt... Who knew power metal could be so..."

"Powerfu—? BLAAAGH!" Sayaka tries to finish her sentence, but vomits more blood.

"Good lord, how much blood do you have!?" Mami gasps, obviously worried more about her kouhai than the task at hand.

Sayaka rubs the excess away, then jokes, "Ah, it just keeps coming back! I'm way too stubborn to die, you know?" She tries to laugh the situation away, only reminded of it by the intense blaring of power metal in the background.

She finds herself glancing back at the now-depressed Kyouko to see if she got it, but she isn't even moving. She looks back at Mami and is about to ask a question, but stops just short upon seeing her torn up clothes. It's then that she remembers...

"That's it!" Sayaka concludes. "Mami, pop those puppies out!"

"What!?" Mami tries to protest, but finds her clothes being ripped asunder before she can finish the thought.

"Kyouko, look! Didn't you say you wanted to protect these!?" She holds Mami's arms back and displays her chest.

Meanwhile, Homura catches a glimpse of this and comments, "H-Hey! What the hell are you three doing over there!? This isn't the time for flashing people!"

In the background, they can all hear Madoka ooing and aweing at how huge and glorious Mami's mammies are. Yet, Kyouko merely glances at them before giving up hope again. Mission failed.

"Kyouko?" Sayaka asks, walking over to her. She suddenly breaks into a brisk run, "KYOUKOOOOOO!" She tries shaking her up, but to no avail. "Kyouko, come on! You have to help us! Don't you want to—!?"

Kyouko cuts her off and manages to get up, "It's no use! Even if we have Mami's mammies by our side, their power level is only 1000! We don't stand a chance..."

Homura mocks them, "Ha! Serves you right! Those udders will never compare to the beauty of a flat chest! Victory is ours! Now, stand down and let me defeat you once and for all!" She does a stereotypical maniacal laugh, and is obviously trying way too hard.

Sayaka flinches, "Ugh... You aren't going to let her win, are you? There must be some way...something we never saw."

Kyouko tries to think, "No, Homura... She's just too metal for us—" She then pauses in her tracks and looks dead up into the sky. "That's it." she says, as if inspiration hit her with a lightning bolt. Of inspiration.

"Eh?" Sayaka asks.

"That's it! Sayaka, I'm borrowing this!" She yells before grabbing one of her swords and running for the building they were in, before.

"Nakazawa!" Kyouko calls out to him while he's still cowering in that corner Mami put him in. "Nakazawa, the secret weapon!"

"What? Secret...weapon?" he asks, confused.

"The one you told me about! Your special song! The one only you can truly sing!" Kyouko explains.

He gets it. "The secret weapon..." but he shakes it off "No, it's too risky! After what happened last time..."

"You must!" Kyouko demands "Nobody else can stop her! Your weapon is the weapon to surpass the _Ultra-Mega-Supersonic-Giant-Metal-Homubot-of-Evil 9000, Version 2.0 Beta of Doom_! It's power level..."

"Is 9001..." Nakazawa finishes.

"Exactly." she says. "And if you won't do it for me, or anyone else..." She then pulls Mami out of the background and squishes her boobs together "...then do it for the mammies!"

Nakazawa rises to the challenge of his rivals, walking towards the two. "Kyouko, kyouko..." he chants as if she's naive. "I don't like Mami because of her chest. She's sexy in other ways, too. Any guy would feel that way around her..."

He takes the sword from Kyouko's hand, "Kyouko, the one thing you must learn about this world, and about breasts is..." The music seems to fall flat for just this moment. Then, as he strolls down the rubble, he speaks the truth of the world...

" _Flat is justice._ "

From his MP3 player, the Gurren Lagann theme plays while he walks to his supposed inevitable demise. Kyouko gets it, now. It was never about being better than everyone. It was never about lesbians or huge tiddies. It was never even about karaoke. It was always about fighting giant mechas with swords while kickass music plays in the background!

"And I will prove this truth of the world..." Nakazawa points the sword towards the cockpit and makes his speech "...by using the power of the flattest chest of all! **A MANLY CHEST!** "

He then flexes so hard that his shirt explodes, revealing that underneath his frail exterior, he was actually totally fucking ripped!

"I don't mind this." Sayaka quips, earning her a slap from Kyouko who took her place beside her.

Meanwhile, Homura can't help but stare on in disgust. The _Ultra-Mega-Supersonic-Giant-Metal-Homubot-of-Evil 9000, Version 2.0 Beta of Doom_ crouches down to give her a better look at him. "Eeeh? Your mantits are bigger than mine! I'm the one with the flattest chest, here! I have the most badass music, too! There's no way you can win!"

He corrects her, "Heh, you may be right about the chest. Mine did bulge out a lot since strength training, but I have to correct that last part..."

"Eeeh?" Homura continues to villainously gawk in wonder.

" _I have the most badass music of us all!_ With this power of metal alone, I shall triumph over your flatter chest and prove once and for all the might of my metal!"

"Ha!" Homura mocks. "Let's see if you can even stand a single one of my attacks!" The _Ultra-Mega-Supersonic-Giant-Metal-Homubot-of-Evil 9000, Version 2.0 Beta of Doom_ stands back up and takes a step back, charging up its sonic cannons and raining down booms of power metal upon Nakazawa! But just before they land, his own music starts. Not with a boom, but with a quiet-yet-intense buildup.

Instead of being decimated, he uses his (well, Sayaka's) sword to slice the sound into pieces! Which then explodes! He chuckles, "Weak... Too weak! You'll have to scream harder if you wish to beat me!"

He points his sword up and stares directly at her, fiercly, almost like a lion, or a psychotic mass-murderer! Homura scoffs again, then raises up the fist of her robot and slams it down on top of him, just as he prepares his first true lyrics...

" _ **RULES OF NATURE!**_ "

The fist slams down on top of the sword, only to be stopped right in its tracks! The power of Nakazawa's scream only empowers the blade and makes her steel weaker! He lifts up, deflecting the fist and throwing it aside! Finally, it was happening. Nakazawa's theme song, _Rules of Nature_ , playing in the background for the rest of his battle!

"Tch!" Homura scoffs again, more nervously. She continues to sing at the top of her lungs, leading the _Ultra-Mega-Supersonic-Giant-Metal-Homubot-of-Evil 9000, Version 2.0 Beta of Doom_ to sprout a giant sword from its own arm and slam down again! Nakazawa deflects the blade with such force that it causes a category 2 tornado to materialize several miles away!

"Damn, he's good!" Homura grunts, but continues to attack with all of her force.

"You're no match, for my obligatory number is one unit higher than yours!" Nakazawa informs her as her blade crashes down again, this time aided by the sonic cannons! This time, instead of blocking, Nakazawa dodges the sword and jumps on top of it, running along the length while slicing the sound into pieces!

"How is that even possible!?" Homura angrily questions, commanding the nipple-hatches to open up once again for a counter-attack!

Nakazawa manages to reach the wrist of the mech before the hatches open, then proceeds to use the power of his badass-infused sword to slice through the steel of the arm, shredding it to pieces in mere seconds! Before Homura's eyes, the entire arm is cut into ribbons... But it wouldn't matter, for she launches an unsurvivable salvo of missiles at him!

He turns his head to the side and leaps from the remains of the arm, jumping from missile to missile and slicing each on in half so that they explode in midair! " _Super-Light Speed Demon Ultimate Running Technique of the Seven Mountains!_ " he yells as he leaps from missile to missile, destroying each one in turn before landing on the opposite hand of the mech!

Homura tries to swivel the malfunctioning arm around to attack, but it merely falls into pieces! She growls at him and slams the _Ultra-Mega-Supersonic-Giant-Metal-Homubot-of-Evil 9000, Version 2.0 Beta of Doom_ 's arm into a nearby building, only to find that although she knocked him off, he also cut that arm off as well!

Nakazawa lands next to the other three and turns back to Homura, "Give up, Akemi! The game is over, and you've lost!"

"Likely excuse for someone about to lose!" she retorts, slamming one giant mecha foot into the ground and opening all weapon hatches! All 69 of her miniguns spin up just as he's beginning to run towards her again, and they fire! Each second, the deafening sound of thousands of bullets firing each second fills the air. The ground around him is torn apart and turned into ashes, but he remains unharmed.

"What a weak technique!" he mocks "Everyone knows that you only need to move slightly in one direction to stream direct fire!"

Homura flinches, "Shit, he's played Touhou! Quick, alternate cannon directions!"

But it's too late. Before the direction of fire can change, he's already made it to her mecha's legs and started slicing them up as well! She tries to stomp on him repeatedly, but each time only gets her closer to the ground. Eventually, all that's left of the legs is a couple stumps.

"Give up!" he commands again.

She defies him. "No, I still have one more trick!"

Suddenly, her mecha sprouts giant spider-like legs! But only six of them, so it's more like insect legs. Despite this, its name appears in giant, bold, red letters in the foreground: _**Super**_ _-Ultra-Mega-Supersonic-Giant-Metal-Homubot-of-Evil 9000, Version_ _ **3**_ _.0 Beta of Doom,_ _ **Now With Ultimate-Power Spider Legs**_ _!_

The mecha's giant speakers then evolve, turning into _Giant Hyper-Powered Unlimited Pulverizer Giga-Cannons!_ Homura laughs, "Aha! Now this is what I call deadly! Prepare to eat my ultimate attack!"

Nakazawa holds the sword out in front of himself to block, "Don't do it, Akemi. I'll spare your invention if you admit defeat now!"

"NEVER!" Homura yells. She presses the Big Red Button Which Should Never Be Pressed, activating the cannons' instant nova-firing sequence! Except it isn't really a sequence since they fire instantly. Oh well.

All three cannons fire massive purple beams of ambiguous energy directly at Nakazawa, who angles his sword in just the right way that all three beams then reflect off of the sword into three different directions and proceed to slice off every one of the mecha's legs!

"What!? How is that possible, they're not even made of light!" Homura complains to the powers that be.

Finally, he flicks the sword in a single swinging motion, sending the power of the cannons streaming back from whence they came! All three simultaneously explode in a blast so fiery and spectacular that it's a wonder the rest of the mech even survived. Yet, it still sits there, the cockpit entirely undestroyed.

* * *

Nakazawa sees that the fight is finished, what with his theme song fading into the background. He turns to Sayaka and hands her back the sword. They all stare into the smoke while the cockpit opens.

Homura steps out, not injured but certainly not happy. "Well well, you actually managed to beat it. I'm impressed!"

She comes closely to the party and claps menacingly. "It seems that the power of Flat wasn't enough to triumph over the power of metal, after all. You were simply too intense for me. Congratulations on your victory, Nakazawa."

He says nothing besides, "Have you given up?"

She retorts, "Are you done acting like a badass? Because I know you don't have your theme song anymore, and neither that sword. It's just you and me, and we all know I'm technically still stronger than you."

He flinches, then turns to the others, reverting back to his more cowardly personality, "Girls, she's right! I'm a complete pushover without my theme song!"

"So," Homura continues "I'll admit defeat, and let's just go on as if this neeeever happened. Sound like a good plan?"

They all seem reluctant, but are left without much of a choice. They know she could take them all and win right now. They're about to agree, when suddenly they hear a voice from the smoke.

" _ **AKEMI HOMURAAAA!**_ " Screams Madoka as loudly and angrily as she can possibly scream.

Almost instinctively, Homura completely freezes in abject terror. " _Oh shit._ " she says aloud, slowly turning around to see her girlfriend coming towards her. "Uh, hey, Madoka! It's... It's okay now, no need to be mad! Just—!"

Before she can finish the sentence, Madoka runs up to her and slaps her so hard that a tooth flies out. The others all collectively "Ooh!" and flinch at the sight.

"That was more like a punch, honestly." Sayaka comments.

Homura is now rolling on the floor in pain, begging for forgiveness, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

But she doesn't let up. She slaps her another time just for good measure, and then proceeds to start dragging her through the rubble by the back of her shirt, "Homura, you're coming with me! We're going to have a very, _very_ long talk, and you're going to take your punishment like a good girl! Got it!?"

Homura continues to beg, "Wait, please, I'm sorry! Don't do this! Madoka, please! Someone help! _**HEEEELP!**_ "

The others just mischievously wave at her. She curses everyone, " _ **You damn traitors! I gave you the lives you wanted! I gave you everything!**_ "

Madoka yells at her again, " **HOMURA!** " Instantly, she's reverted back to a begging mess. "And no cuddling for a month! You are SO grounded!"

" _ **NOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_ " Homura screams, voice dropping off as she's dragged into the distance.

Finally, they're gone. The three magical girls and Nakazawa all turn to each other and have a group high-five. He speaks up, "Well, this was fun. Hang out again, sometime?"

"Sure." says Kyouko.

"Why not?" says Sayaka.

"Of course!" says Mami.

And with that, he departs, walking shirtlessly into the sunset with nothing more than a "Seeya." The other three stare at him walking away for a while, but eventually get back at each other.

"So," Sayaka starts "that was a thing."

They all agree. Kyouko then suddenly blurts out, "I'm sorry."

Sayaka cocks her head to the side, "Eh?"

Kyouko puts her face in her hands in shame, "I'm sorry. All of this is my fault. If I just cooperated with you and never gave you that stupid plan, none of this would have happened."

"What?" Sayaka further questions. "I...don't get it. Homura's the one who went crazy and tried to kill everyone."

Kyouko's voice gets all high-pitched and whiny, "But it's my fault, too! Ever since you said you were straight, I got mad and did a bunch of stupid stuff!"

" _What?_ " Sayaka continues to say "That just raises more questions!"

Kyouko explains, getting more frantic, "I keep making passes at you, but you keep ignoring them! Then Mami does it and you come to me, and then you say that you're straight, and then I got mad about it! I'm sorry, I'm just a stupid faggot who loves big tiddies too much and makes everyone mad! You deserve a better person, someone like that guy!" She collapses on the ground and starts sobbing.

Mami gets behind her and hugs her, "There, there..." she says lovingly.

"Thank you, Mami." Kyouko says quietly.

"Wait." Sayaka says. "Wait, WHAT!? _That's_ what this was about!?" Sayaka yells incredulously. She scoffs and grunts at the same time, exasperatedly.

"Kyouko..." she begins to correct her "...I _am_ straight... _except for you._ "

Kyouko stops sobbing for a second. "You...what...?"

"You're the only exception to my rule! It doesn't matter if you're a guy or a girl, you're still my Kyouko!"

Kyouko gayly squeals, a immense grin settling on her face as she jumps up and hugs Sayaka. They continue to hug for a solid minute before letting go and collapsing from exhaustion.

Staring off into the sunset, Sayaka asks the others, "So, what did we learn today?"

"Love conquers all?" Kyouko guesses.

"What? No. If anything, love _destroyed all_ in this episode. Try again."

"Uh, collateral damage doesn't matter in the end?"

"That's horrible. No, try again."

"Metal is the superior genre of music?"

"Never say that again."

"Sorry. Uh, If you can't handle a job, give it to someone else?"

"No."

"Never underestimate a minor character?"

"Well, that's true, but no."

"Flat is justice?"

"...Try again." She had to pause for a second on that one.

"I'm running out of things, here. Hey, does any of this even matter? I mean, she's just going to reset the universe again."

"Not really." Sayaka admits "Just keep going."

"Oh, fine. Is it that music is more powerful than boobs?"

"...I'm not actually sure."

"That you shouldn't make assumptions and get mad about them?"

"Also true, but not really what I was—"

"Always bring food in case you get hangry?"

"..."

Over the next ten minutes, Kyouko tried about 40 more guesses before giving up.

"Okay, just tell me!" Kyouko insists.

"Fine, fine!" Sayaka relents. "What I was going to say is..."

Kyouko lends her ear...

"...Memes are the powerhouse of the soul."

"..."

"..."

Kyouko blatantly tells her, "One day you're going to make a worse joke than that, and I'm going to kill you."

"..."

They both suddenly burst out into hysterics for another few, long minutes. Finally, Mami asks, "Can I have a change of clothes, now?"

"No." they both answer in unison.

"Aw..."

And thus was the end of the day. A minute later, Homura reset the universe again. She made sure henceforth to never invite Kyouko or Sayaka to a karaoke competition ever again, and to dismantle that mecha.


End file.
